A seeker has asked, “What is the definition of (true) love?”
The definition of love cannot be made in words. That is why when Narad ji was asked to define (Divine) love, he said,
अनिर्वचनीयं प्रेमस्वरुपम्॥ ५१॥
Anirvachanīyaṃ premaswarupam.
- Narad Bhakti Darshan Sutra 51
“The nature of Love is beyond description in words.”
That is, words cannot go there. The Vedas have gone to the extent of saying,
यतो वाचो निवर्तन्ते। अप्राप्य मनसा सह।
Yato vācho nivartante. Aprāpya manasā saha.
सत्यो नित्यः सर्वसाक्षी महेशो नित्यानन्दो निर्विकल्पो निराख्यः ।
अचिन्त्यशक्तिर्भगवान्गिरीशः स्वाविद्यया कल्पितमानभूमिः ॥ २० ॥Satyo nityah sarvasākshī mahesho nityānando nirvikalpo nirākhyah.
Achintyashktirbhagavāgirīshah swāvidyā kalpitamānabhūmih.- Taittiriya Upanishad
This mantra is also in Brahma Upanishad and in Shandilya Upanishad, and it is also the 20th mantra of Sharabh Upanishad. It tells us that everything we have - our mind, senses, and intellect, none of these can go close to (Divine) love. The Saints and the scriptures have tried to describe it for our sake, but it is only a mere attempt. It is not its actual form. Great Saints became exhausted thinking,
“How can I explain what is (Divine) love?”
So they helplessly wrote down ordinary examples like an attractive woman is dear to a lustful man, like money is dear to a greedy man. When you are attached in that manner, it is called love.
The Bhagwatam says the same thing, because there exists no example by which you could understand, because there is nothing else like it. All these comparisons that are given are like jokes. They describe Krishna’s beauty using material, dirty objects like ‘lotus-eyed’ or ‘eyes like that of a deer’. We see deer and lotuses daily. We did not feel such attraction to any of them that we wanted to keep looking. We just saw them and moved on.
But what can the poor Saints do? We have no experience of anything Divine. Look, understand this in simple words - a bug that lives in the bitter neem tree asks you,
“What is a rasgulla (Indian sweet) like?”
“Well, it is sweet.”
“What does ‘sweet’ mean?”
“Have you ever tasted sugar?”
“No.”
“What about jaggery?”
“No.”
“Ever tasted anything sweet?”
“No, I only know bitter neem.”
“Then you cannot understand. I cannot make you understand.”
Similarly is the nature of (Divine) love. We people have only experienced the opposite of (Divine) love.
निजेन्द्रिय-सुख-हेतु कामेर तात्पर्य ।
कृष्ण-सुख-तात्पर्य प्रेम तो प्रबल निजेन्द्रिय-सुख-वान्शा गोपी-भाव-वर्य ।(নিজেন্দ্রিয়সুখহেতু কামের তাত্পর্য ।
কৃষ্ণসুখ-তাত্পর্য গোপীভাব-বর্য ॥ ২১৭ ॥)Nijendriya-sukha-hetu kāmera tātparya.
Kṛiṣhṇ-sukh-tātparya gopī-bhāva-varya.
That which is for our own happiness is not love. You can call this a basic, general definition of love. We people have only thought about our own happiness since eternity.
This is a challenge by the Vedas,
न वा अरे पत्य: कामाय पतिः प्रिया भवन्ति । न वा अरे जाया कामाये जाया प्रिया भवन्ति । न वा अरे पुत्रएां कामाय पु्त्राः प्रिया भवन्ति । न वा अरे सर्वस्य कामाय सर्वें प्रियं भवान्ति ।
Na vā are patyah kāmāya patih priya bhavanti. Na vā are jayaya kāmāya jāyā priyā bhavanti. Na vā putreāng kāmāya putrah priyā bhavanti. Na vā are sarvasya kāmāya sarven priyam bhavanti.
- Brihadaranyak Upanishad
This is meaning that no father loves his son for his son’s happiness. No son loves his father for his father’s happiness. No wife loves her husband for his happiness, and the same with the husband. No one can do anything for anyone else’s happiness. We cannot even think of it. Why? Since eternity, every fiber of our being has thought and decided only one thing,
“I want my own happiness.”
If there is no self-happiness, then
“To hell with father, mother, wife, and child!”
Whether or not you say it out loud, all of you think this within.This is the opposite of (Divine) love. This is called darkness, and to think of the happiness of your Beloved is called (Divine) love. Light and darkness are opposing entities. Hence no one can understand, and no one can explain.
Narad ji said, “I will explain.”
“Oh really? How will you?”
He said,
गुणरहितं कामनारहितं प्रतिक्षणवर्धमानं अविच्छिन्नं सूक्ष्मतरं अनुभवरुपम्॥ ५४॥
Guṇ-rahitaḿ kāmanā-rahitaḿ pratikṣhaṇ-vardhamānam
avicchinnaḿ sūkṣhma-taram anubhav-rūpam.- Narad Bhakti Darshan 54
That’s it! And what did he say at the end? ‘Anubhavarūpam’ (experience itself). You can know it by experiencing it, and he gives an example,
मूकास्वादनवत्॥ ५२॥
Mūkāsvādanavat.
- Narad Bhakti Darshan 52
A mute person eats a rasgulla. Now you ask him,
“How was it?”
The poor fellow cannot speak. What to do? You will see joy on his face, but he cannot say anything. Such is (Divine) love.
Another example is when you try to talk in a river with your head partially submerged, you make a gurgling noise. But when you talk with your head fully submerged, you make no sound at all. So as long as it is being talked about, it is not (Divine) love. When you are drowned, that is (Divine) love.
Let me share with you a sonnet,
“When I gave my hand to the drowning, from the shore,
They started advising me to drown as well.”
Come and drown with us. Don’t take us out.
Take the first word of Narad ji’s description: ‘guṇ-rahitam’ (without qualities/independent of qualities). The lover must not see the qualities of the Beloved. Not see His qualities? Then why would anyone love Him? Qualities are what everyone sees first when loving someone. He is handsome, healthy, wealthy, intelligent, and capable. He is famous, powerful. If he had no good qualities, who would love him? Would anyone love a one-eyed, one-legged, and one-armed beggar? No. But if you love someone because of their qualities, do you know what will happen? If he is wealthy today, everyone will come to him: doctors, lawyers, politicians. They keep visiting him because he is a billionaire. And if he becomes a pauper tomorrow, then no one even asks about him.
Just like when a tree bears fruits, flocks of birds come without being called. And when the fruits fall, all the birds leave without being chased away! They came without being called, and left without being chased. Such is the world and its love. Today you love someone for their quality, tomorrow that quality is gone. Today you love someone for their beauty, and tomorrow they get cancer. They lose their beauty.
There is a story of a girl named Yogasheela in the Puranas. Yogasheela was very beautiful. One day a king saw her as he was riding. He told her father that he wanted her. The father was poor, and the king was not cultured. It would be dangerous to give him his daughter, but if he did not obey then the king would kill them both.
The daughter said, “Father, tell him to come back in a month.”
The king agreed to return in a month, and he posted his military in that village so they wouldn’t escape. Such were the kings of those times! Through yog, she dried up her body such that she was just skin and bones. Even her face had shrunk to her skull!
The father brought her in. When he saw her again he said,
“Not this one! (I want) the one I saw that day!”
“My lord, she is the same girl. My only daughter! She fell ill. She got TB etc.”
The king fled without looking back because he only loved her beauty. Without that beauty, to hell with the girl! He didn’t want a bag of bones. Even in the world, no one would accept it. So true love does not see qualities.
A clever sakhi (female companion of Radha) once teased Radha Rani,
“O Sakhi, why do you love Krishna? He chases after all the girls and tells them, ‘You alone are mine.’ How many of His defects can I describe? He is even a thief! He’s such a great bandit that He broke out of jail as soon as He was born! No one in history has left prison right after birth taking his father with him! His father did not break out of jail. It was all Krishna’s own doing! The guards fell asleep, the locks opened and Yamuna gave way!”
Radha Rani said, “I know all this!”
“And yet you still love Him?”
“What to do? My heart does not see His qualities, whatever they may be!”
This is (Divine) love. It is a very simple fact, and we experience it daily. If we do not get what we want from someone, we turn away from them. About turn! Murders happen everyday! It has turned into a joke. A boy asked a girl to marry him, but she turned him down, and then he shot her! Incidents of this nature are taking place everyday! He knows he will be hanged when he is caught and yet,
“I don’t care! She betrayed me!”
Hence Narad ji’s first word was ‘guṇ-rahitam’. Next, he said, “Kāmanā-rahitam (without desire).”
Don’t love your Beloved with selfish desires otherwise, your love will end if your desires are not fulfilled. A man hoped for $10 from another, but only got $9! “It’s okay, but it’s not $10.” Another gave $8 - his feelings decreased. Another gave $4 - decreased more. Another gave nothing - and he got angry! Now he begins bad-mouthing him to others!
Look at how many of our Saints were insulted and falsely accused throughout history. They were put through so much! And these are Saints who sacrifice their very lives for us! So, any love tainted with desire will one day turn us away from our Beloved and destroy our faith.
Say your son is ill and you go to Hanuman, to Devi or to Balaji with the desire to cure him,
“Hey Hanuman ji! Hey Krishno Devi! Hey Tirupathi Maharaj!”
If he is cured then you call it a miracle and praise Vaishno Devi. Next year he falls sick again and you again go to pray, but he dies while you are at the temple. Now you will lose all faith and belief.
“Oh! It’s nothing! It’s all useless!”
All love is finished! It’s just like a business in this world! We go to a shopkeeper and ask for a sari. He invites us in, fans us and serves us drinks saying,
Please come! Please come! Turn on the fan! Bring some soda!”
“I just want one sari. No need to bring out so many!”
“No problem, see them all and take the one you like!”
The seller is smart. He knows there will be at least one sari you will fall for, and then he can charge you more for it. You pick one and ask him the price,
No, I can’t pay that much.”
(The shopkeeper says,) “My shop does not bargain! We have a fixed price!”
“I can only pay you this much. It’s all I have!”
“What! Then move on ahead!”
Just see how the shopkeeper’s face has changed. This happens everyday. You don’t need me to explain. You experience this day and night from parents, spouses, children and everyone. So it is desires alone that have ruined countless lives of ours
The Vedas have gone so far as to say,
यदा सर्वे प्रमुच्यन्ते कामा येऽस्य हृदि श्रिताः ।
अथ मर्त्यो’मृतो भवत्यत्र ब्रह्म समश्नुते ॥ १४ ॥Yadā sarve pramucyante kāmā ye’sya hṛdi śhritāḥ |
Atha martyo’mṛito bhavatyatra brahm samaśhnute || 14 ||- Kathopanishad 2.3.14
This mantra is also in Brihadaranyak Upanishad 4.4.7, and in Shatyayani Upanishad 27.
“Let go of your desires and you will become like God - full of bliss!”
Because when desires are born, we will try to fulfill them. And to fulfill them, we will resort to all kinds of deceit. We will lie and use various types of tricks. Look at how much the big robbers do to fulfill their desires. If desires are fulfilled, they lead to greed, and if they are not then they lead to anger, depression, and harmful feelings, and then to psychological drugs,
“He has become ‘mental’.”
All humans are mental - why just him? Who is not mental? We receive all this sorrow only because we are mental. We do not know ourselves - that is the biggest proof of being mental. We believe that the world is ours and can make us happy. We accept other people to be ours despite seeing people die everyday.
“He is my father! She is my mother! She is my wife!”
Then look! They die!
“How could you die and leave me?!”
Leave or don’t leave…Who cares!
“My time has come and I’m going!”
(Another says,) “But I’m the prime minister, the king, the president!”
Whoever you are - we all have to leave at our time. Even God Himself!
Yamaraj went to Ram and said, “My Lord! I have come to inform You that Your time is here. But You may do as You like!”
It amounts to the same thing, like when someone is removed from our government, he is told to resign so that he doesn’t have to be fired. So he announces,
“I am resigning because of my health or because of my family.”
People make up stories like this.
So desires are our greatest enemy. No one can escape them. It is not that only ordinary people suffer from desire. Even Indra, the king of heaven, desires the seat of Brahma. This disease is everywhere. Since you were born, how many desires have you made and how many have been fulfilled? And yet again you desire, and again it is fulfilled, and again you desire.
The grandfather was an ordinary shopkeeper and his grandson became a billionaire or a president. This happens in the world. But their conditions are exactly the same. Everyone has the same desires, the same discontent, the same tension, the same drama of greed from fulfilled desires, and anger from unfulfilled ones. Everyone is unhappy and anxious. Countless lives have passed and yet we have not made this decision. If only we made this firm decision that desiring this material world will only give us unhappiness, both when desires are fulfilled and when they are not. And to create desires is our nature. You cannot stop creating them. You want happiness, don’t you? Yes. This is why you have to desire. So then,
“How will I get happiness?”
Saints tell you to go this way for happiness. So a handful of people tell you that your destination is to the East, but the rest are all going to the West.
“I will go where everyone else is going!”
Are they all mad?
So Narad ji said, “Love is ‘guṇ-rahitam’, ‘kāmanā-rahitam’.”
And an even greater definition is ‘pratikshanam-vardhamānam’ (ever-increasing every moment). True love goes on increasing. And worldly love? It goes on decreasing.
In Satakatrayam there is an example: Shadows are very long in the morning and they go on decreasing until at noon they are just under the body. And then again they start increasing and by evening they are long again. In the same way, false love is very great in the beginning.
Another example is in the early days of your marriage your wife will lovingly say,
“You eat first!”
And you will say, “No! You eat first!”
You all acted so much! And later you do not want to even look at your wife,
“I ruined my life by marrying her!”
It’s all over. When we see a material object for the first time, we become attracted,
“Wow! Look at the Taj Mahal! How did they raise such stones back then with no machines?!”
But when you next visit Agra, you do not want to see it a second time.
When the married women here went to their in-laws for the first time, people used to come just to see them,
“Let’s go see the new daughter-in-law!”
Why is her nose on her head? What do you want to see! She has the same body of skin and bones as your own wife. There is so much interest! But later if she is sick, her husband cannot even get a doctor to come see her. The doctor says,
“I have no time to see her!”
So the love that is for the Beloved’s happiness will go on increasing. If it does not increase, then it is not (Divine) love. And if it decreases, then it is nothing at all. It’s just an act. That is called desire - the opposite of true love. So true love is that which is for the happiness of the Beloved.
In this line of the kirtan (devotional song), the singer is saying,
“O Lord, please bestow such grace upon me that I may be happy in Your happiness!”
In the world, if one’s spouse as much as looks at another person for a while (he/she gets jealous…),
“Hey! Why is she looking at him?”
“Why is he staring at her?”
He starts to doubt. And if he sees them talking, his doubt grows, and if he sees them hug, then the world has come to an end. He is ready to shoot her!
But what do the Saints do?
“Come! Come! You also love my Lord!”
And if he starts to love God, then the Saint feels overjoyed.
“He listened to me and has started loving Krishna! Never mind if Krishna doesn’t look at me! Let Krishna look at him!”
They feel happiness. This is the difference between (Divine) love and desire. That which is done for Krishna’s happiness, that is (Divine) love.
This is the meaning in brief.
Source: Excerpt from the Discourse published onKripaluji Maharaj Special Lectures YouTube channel.